When my pathology reports came back after surgery number two, things looked good. Here is my medical speak- Clean margins, no lymph involvement and my cancer is ER and PR positive. ER and PR positive means that my cancer gets its fuel from the hormones in my body. This is a good thing because the drug Tamoxifen which blocks the body's production of estrogen, can be used to help lower the recurrence rate in cancers such as mine.
The first visit following my surgery with Dr. Thummala she prescribed the drug and told me to start taking it straight away. Neither Doug or I had ever heard of the drug so Doug asked her about the side effects. Dr Thummala said something very cryptic in return along the lines of, "You believe that once you are married to someone it's forever right?" Doug answered her, "Of course." "Well," she said,"Tamoxifen is the only drug that your wife can take, and she needs to take it.So whatever the side effects are she will just have to put up with them. Kind of like marriage, right?" and then she laughed.
When we got home I googled Tamoxifen. I will post here some of the comments I found from women who are taking the drug:
A few weeks ago I started taking Celexia to combat anxiety and severe depression
I am feeling lots of dizziness and vertigo
WEIGHT GAIN??? Is there anyone who can succeed in losing weight on this drug.
Leg cramps!!! Wow....I've been on tamox for almost 5 months and have had mild foot cramps all along that I can stretch out to relieve.....but yesterday I had nearly debilitating cramps
Need advice on best bedding to manage night sweats! Waking up wet several times a night
Has anyone else found their hair is thinning on Tamoxifen
I've been on tamoxifen since August. Apart from the usual symptoms hot flushes, joint pains, headaches, insomnia and mood swings I've noticed rashes and dry itchy patches on my legs.
I've been on Tamoxifen for close on 3.5 years and have had chronic insomnia
Been on Tamoxifen for a year now. After many attempts of working out at the gym and on a strict meal plan I am still struggling to lose weight especially around the middle section.
So, um, ya. I was seriously scared to take the drug. The list of side effects on the drug insert was as long as my arm and included all of the things mentioned in the comments above: anxiety, depression, weight gain, leg cramps, bone pain, night sweats, hot flashes, thinning hair, insomnia, mood swings, and rashes. The insert also listed more serious things like risk of possible endometrial cancer, cataracts, and pulmonary embolism. These mild and more serious side effects are just a sampling of what's possible. And what's more, on the message boards and in the facebook support group page many of the symptoms seem to be commonly had by many women taking the drug.
I filled my prescription and then stared at the bottle for a few hours. I have a weird and irrational fear. (I mentioned it in an earlier post.) It has to do with the Tylenol and cyanide incident of 1982. Anyhow, another little caveat, if you will, of my fear is I never take a new pill, be it prescription or otherwise , without a witness. So I decided I couldn't start the Tamoxifen until Saturday when Doug was home. That way if I had a strange or allergic reaction to the pill...okay, or it was poisonous, Doug would know what I had taken. Is that the dumbest thing you ever heard? I know it is, but it's been a very real fear of mine since 1982.
In the days leading up to my first dose I prayed a lot. I prayed that my side effects would be minimal. I prayed specifically that I would not experience depression and mood swings. Okay, alright, I also prayed about the weight gain, but mostly I prayed about the depression. Here's why. In 2003 I had a miscarriage. I was only a few weeks pregnant and had been experiencing horrible morning sickness, and extreme mood swings during the weeks of my pregnancy. After having the miscarriage I found myself completely depressed. This was new to me. I told you my go to emotion on the negative side of the scale is anger. Anger pumps you up. I can do things when I'm angry. You should see how clean my kitchen can get with a little angry elbow grease. And because I can do things when I am angry I can sometimes work that anger into productivity and even better I can work that anger right out of my system. But depression is different. It slows you down. It stops you dead in your tracks. It consumes you. So after I had that miscarriage I had my first ever experience with depression. I wish I had a songwriter's voice or poet's words so I could adequately describe how I felt during those few weeks. There are few periods in my life that I would consider as difficult as those wretched weeks. I was completely despondent and unable to function. I remember waking up each morning and for a just a second thinking, "Oh it's gone. I 'm me again," but before the thought would take shape the dark mist would creep back in and envelop me.I didn't eat. I didn't interact with my family. I didn't read or write and perhaps most damaging, I didn't pray. One thing I distinctly remember from those weeks is this, my vision changed. I mean it. I felt like I was looking at the world through some weird lenses. It was as if everything had gone dim. I was lucky, though. My sojourn into the world of depression was short lived.
The pregnancy and miscarriage had caused a temporary imbalance of my hormones so in a few short weeks the fog lifted. I was also blessed with an understanding husband who prayed for me morning and night. He carried our family during those weeks and because of his creativity and diligence our kids were mostly sheltered from the ordeal. Once I felt like myself again and returned to my routines I had the distinct impression.that I was given that trial so I would have an added measure of compassion when It came to others' struggles with depression. Prior to my own season of sorrow I had always viewed depression as something one could will away. I would think, "If she would just get up and get moving,"or, "She just needs to think positive thoughts," not at all comprehending the grip depression can have on an individual.
So when I saw depression listed as one of the most common side effects of the drug I felt a great deal of trepidation. I still remember the despondency I felt during my short battle with depression and it was something I hoped to never feel again.
Back to me staring at the bottle. I realized not taking Tamoxifen was not an option because like it or not, I have cancer. This drug greatly reduces the risk of recurrence in women with ER (estrogen) positive breast cancer. I had to take this drug and live with the side effects,whatever they might be. I told myself if the dreadful and dreary mist of depression crept back into my life I would be prepared to address it as best I could. In Elder Holland's "Like a Broken Vessel," he reminds us:
I filled my prescription and then stared at the bottle for a few hours. I have a weird and irrational fear. (I mentioned it in an earlier post.) It has to do with the Tylenol and cyanide incident of 1982. Anyhow, another little caveat, if you will, of my fear is I never take a new pill, be it prescription or otherwise , without a witness. So I decided I couldn't start the Tamoxifen until Saturday when Doug was home. That way if I had a strange or allergic reaction to the pill...okay, or it was poisonous, Doug would know what I had taken. Is that the dumbest thing you ever heard? I know it is, but it's been a very real fear of mine since 1982.
In the days leading up to my first dose I prayed a lot. I prayed that my side effects would be minimal. I prayed specifically that I would not experience depression and mood swings. Okay, alright, I also prayed about the weight gain, but mostly I prayed about the depression. Here's why. In 2003 I had a miscarriage. I was only a few weeks pregnant and had been experiencing horrible morning sickness, and extreme mood swings during the weeks of my pregnancy. After having the miscarriage I found myself completely depressed. This was new to me. I told you my go to emotion on the negative side of the scale is anger. Anger pumps you up. I can do things when I'm angry. You should see how clean my kitchen can get with a little angry elbow grease. And because I can do things when I am angry I can sometimes work that anger into productivity and even better I can work that anger right out of my system. But depression is different. It slows you down. It stops you dead in your tracks. It consumes you. So after I had that miscarriage I had my first ever experience with depression. I wish I had a songwriter's voice or poet's words so I could adequately describe how I felt during those few weeks. There are few periods in my life that I would consider as difficult as those wretched weeks. I was completely despondent and unable to function. I remember waking up each morning and for a just a second thinking, "Oh it's gone. I 'm me again," but before the thought would take shape the dark mist would creep back in and envelop me.I didn't eat. I didn't interact with my family. I didn't read or write and perhaps most damaging, I didn't pray. One thing I distinctly remember from those weeks is this, my vision changed. I mean it. I felt like I was looking at the world through some weird lenses. It was as if everything had gone dim. I was lucky, though. My sojourn into the world of depression was short lived.
The pregnancy and miscarriage had caused a temporary imbalance of my hormones so in a few short weeks the fog lifted. I was also blessed with an understanding husband who prayed for me morning and night. He carried our family during those weeks and because of his creativity and diligence our kids were mostly sheltered from the ordeal. Once I felt like myself again and returned to my routines I had the distinct impression.that I was given that trial so I would have an added measure of compassion when It came to others' struggles with depression. Prior to my own season of sorrow I had always viewed depression as something one could will away. I would think, "If she would just get up and get moving,"or, "She just needs to think positive thoughts," not at all comprehending the grip depression can have on an individual.
So when I saw depression listed as one of the most common side effects of the drug I felt a great deal of trepidation. I still remember the despondency I felt during my short battle with depression and it was something I hoped to never feel again.
Back to me staring at the bottle. I realized not taking Tamoxifen was not an option because like it or not, I have cancer. This drug greatly reduces the risk of recurrence in women with ER (estrogen) positive breast cancer. I had to take this drug and live with the side effects,whatever they might be. I told myself if the dreadful and dreary mist of depression crept back into my life I would be prepared to address it as best I could. In Elder Holland's "Like a Broken Vessel," he reminds us:
Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. … Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ Believe in miracles. … Hope is never lost.
With that counsel in mind and my wonderful husband by my side I swallowed my first dose of Tamoxifen. That was over a month ago.
Exactly one month after Dr. Thummala gave me the prescription I found myself back in her office. "How are you doing with the Tamoxifen?" she asked. "So far, so good," was my simple reply. I was grateful when she shared with me that most who experience the more dreaded side effects start to feel them shortly after they begin taking the drug. "I'm in the clear then?" I inquired. "Seems you are," came her response.
So here I am, almost two months in, and I'm still feeling fine. I am grateful for this drug that is lowering my chance of a recurrence. I'm also grateful for the small experience I had with depression that gave me a better understanding of the disease, but am immensely grateful I am not experiencing that dark side effect of this drug.
Beautiful Chris and I am so happy u r ok!! Yahoo
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