Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Courage, dear heart

In C.S Lewis'  The Voyage of the Dawn Treader Lucy and her shipmates sail toward what they believe to be an island. As they draw closer they realize it is not an island and is in fact, nothing but darkness.  Lewis describes the scene like this-

About nine that morning, very suddenly, it was so close that they could see that it was not land at all, nor even, in an ordinary sense, a mist. It was a Darkness. It is rather hard to describe, but you will see what it was like if you imagine yourself looking into the mouth of a railway tunnel - a tunnel either so long or so twisty that you cannot see the light at the far end.

The fear of the unknown gripped all on the ship as they "gazed from the bows. But there was nothing to be seen by gazing. Behind them was the sea and the sun, before them the Darkness."

On Thursday, August 25, 2016 I was busy in my classroom well past my school contracted hours. New students would arrive Monday be I ready or not so I had planned for work into the evening hours. I sat at my desk trying to figure out the ins and outs of Google classroom.  My students along with the rest of the children at Lied Middle School would be receiving Chromebooks as part of a grant our principal had written.  Along with that addition, a new school-wide reading text had been purchased making me feel like a first year teacher despite my twenty plus years of classroom service.

It was a little bit after five when my phone rang.  I didn't recognize the number and when I picked up a pleasant voice asked me if I would please hold to speak to Dr. Swainston. I was expecting the call and was hoping it would confirm what everyone had suspected - the biopsy of the large, rapidly growing mass in my left breast was what is called a fibroadenoma. When Dr. Swainston took the phone he wasted no time in telling me, "...The biopsy revealed the mass was not a fibroadenoma, but was a malignant, spindle celled neoplasm- a rare cancer that is not usually found in the breast.  I needed to see a highly trained specialist as soon as possible and he would begin making after hour calls to reach out to some of his colleagues who could expedite..."

At about that point my memory gets a little foggy.  I was with my dear friend Suzie, who like me was working late to prepare for the upcoming school year. She looked on while I scribbled the words he said to me on a manila folder that contained some of my school year starters.  I looked up to meet her gaze.   I remember tears formed in her eyes and probably mine too, although I don't remember feeling anything at all while I heard him say, "I am so sorry," before he hung up.  I left my classroom and walked toward the parking lot. I don't remember much.  I know I called my boss to say I would not be in the next day.  I know I called Doug and told him the news as I drove home.  I also called my friend Dee.  By the time I got home both Dee and Doug were at the house.  Dee is a crier, let me just say that right now.  She hates to cry, but her tears were good for me that day.  I was unable at the time to feel emotion and was dull from the inside out.   As I sat on the couch phone calls telling family and friends of my plight were being made. Todd, Dee's husband arrived and within an hour I was called back by Dr. Swainston and our friend and Dr. Swainston's associate, Dr. Sheldon Paul. Plans were being made between these two wonderful men for me to see several doctors. Names of oncologists and surgeons were spelled out so that I could make the necessary calls during the following day in hopes one of them could fit me in sometime over the next few days. "Comprehensive Cancer associates, Dr. El-eid, Dr. Cantino, oncology, hematology..."names I did not know, specialties I never wanted to know about were scratched out in my planner.  I prayed I would be able to see one of these folks quickly but was told it may be Monday or Tuesday before I would be seen.  Amidst all the confusion and fear Dee thought to call our friend and member of our stake presidency, Lee Reese. Dr. President as I have come to call him, is a general surgeon.  Dee figured he would be a calming and reassuring voice who could help me make sense of  the diagnosis, help me map out the next few days of appointments, and hopefully weigh in on the recommended doctors.  Since neither we nor the Moodys have any medical background all of us were unaware that Dr. Reese was able to perform the type of surgery I would need.  While Dee spoke with him I made mention to Dr. Paul that Dee had him on the line.  Without a moment of hesitation Dr. Paul said, "You know Lee Reese?  Go see Lee."   I said thank you to Sheldon and instantly felt a calming peace.  I spoke briefly with Dr. President and all of the chaos and confusion was wiped away.  We had a plan.  It was decided Doug and I would meet him the following day at 9:30 AM at his office.

As the night moved forward more and more calls came in.  The news spread quickly throughout our ward and amongst my friends from work and those in the neighborhood.  Dee made a post on facebook requesting prayers so messages from friends far and wide began to flood my cell phone and my inbox. 

As I tried to make sense of what was actually happening I recognized my need for a priesthood blessing.  Although I do not remember much of what was said I know that a serenity enveloped me and all those in the room.   Although things appeared to be very grim, my soul was comforted. We read my patriarchal blessing which acknowledges that I will have "times when my health is challenged," and we read some powerful scriptures in chapter 24 of the book of Mosiah. In fact, I have reflected on these scriptures each day since-

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

After Dee and Todd left I sat silently wrapped up in Doug's bear like hug and gained strength from his love. Peace washed over me and I relished not only Doug's love but the love of our Heavenly Father.  Somehow, amidst the anxiety and dread, I felt the hopeful feeling of imminent victory one might feel before going into battle.  I was certain this was a battle I would win. A particular verse of the hymn Come Come Ye Saints played again and again in my mind:

Gird up your loins, fresh courage take,
our God will never us forsake.
and soon we'll have this tale to tell.
All is well, all is well.

Lucy looked along the beam and presently saw something in it. At first it looked like a cross, then it looked like an aeroplane, then it looked like a kite, and at last with a whirring of wings it was right overhead and was an albatross. It circled three times round the mast and then perched for an instant on the crest of the gilded dragon at the prow. It called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no one understood them. After that it spread its wings, rose, and began to fly slowly ahead, bearing a little to starboard. Drinian steered after it not doubting that it offered good guidance. But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, "Courage, dear heart," and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.


As Doug and I prayed before going to bed I felt the unmistakable presence of the Holy Spirit of our Lord as he whispered to me, "Courage, dear heart."

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